IRURI

Yo, huski hao ma-motherfather wamepatia Iruri. Sikatai Iruri ni mnoma, lakini Iruriii? shually?” I say this loudly facing the door while struggling to lock it, the long blue curtains blocking my view. This is how I always come into Lude’s house, violently for reasons only known by the gods. It just comes out automatically. We all come to this house for the same reasons. At some point, I gave up walking to it and moved in, the land blessed by Bob Marley, and Her Highness lives here. It is our meeting point. This is where utapata udaku yote, rant your heart out, listen to quality music while roasting the hell out of anyone and everyone. This is where you get lit convos.

After a long silence. Hits blunt,

Unajua jina yako mtu anaweza tumia kuswear

Ati?

Like badala ya “fuck”, (pause) tuseme ushtuliwe unasema ‘what the mugwero!’

“Ghai! Iruri? Umeanza kujileta huku, there is no turning back for you.” I say this surprised to find Iruri who is just staring at me smiling proudly, a very irritating smile. Lude passes me the joints while ranting on how it’s Iruri’s decision, but no one is listening, for me all I care about is how this short dark man will react.

“Ati umesema mimi ni mnoma?” he asks still smiling.

There is no way I’m accepting this so we start arguing about what I said as I seat beside him on the armrest of the couch. Iruri is about 27-29 years old, but he doesn’t look his age, dark but not that dark, medium height for his age, with those wide eyes which for obvious reasons are now tomato red. He’s also married with one kid, a very beautiful baby girl. You should all hear how she calls me “uncle Mugayii” It slaps differently, bringing out all types of emotions, then with my desire to raise a daughter, kwisha.

“Uncle Mugayii sweet”

“Mamie ata uitishe shamba, nahamisha watu wa kwetu”

I’ll hate it when she grows up.

I met Iruri about a year ago in one of those events we all pretend to be focused and attend complaining all the way but end up learning a lot. It was one on mental health organized by the Panthera Scout troop. For me, I was motivated by free food so was he, no wonder I met this guy on our second round ya juice, take two as some refer to it.

“Haka kaglass ni kadogo” I said sarcastically. Coincidentally we had met in line before but no one said a word.

“Wanatupima” he says back while laughing. A few months later coincidentally, we were sited on top of a wrecked land rover behind a tent with lake Naivasha on the furthest left. This is when I learnt his name and made the mistake of introducing her highness Mary to him. I don’t know about you but personally, I believe for camping to be camping, ni vizuri I smoke some mugwero. Some of these things can only be understood by a few, late at night dressed warmly of course, seated on a rock supporting myself on a tree, the sound of a river just some few meters away, crickets chirping, the wind blowing slowly moving the trees left to right producing some type of soothing beat, with the view of the stars, I’m even starting to feel romantic. Na sasa ju sina bae, mutu natoa wapi? Inabidi nipitie kwa Lude nichukuwe king size nibebe Bluetoothspeaker nitaskiza reggae mdogo mdogo.

The camp site is different from what I’m used to. Here, for your own security and safety, stay in a well-lit place or else them hippos will make a meal out of you.

“Nimekuona wapi?” I ask Iruri while joining him. We click and talk about anything that comes in mind. I’m a good listener and can argue about anything, it doesn’t matter if am familiar with the topic or not. Iruri is those guys who chairs everything, those people involved in anything with a committee. He is always inviting me to places, mara twende sijui community work Kibera, after hiyo tuko Githurai cleaning, involved in everything. Yes, I’m a good person but not this nice. It’s not that I can’t go, naweza enda, actually the next time he calls me nitaenda. Lakini for now, am sticking to, “umesema late huskii ata niko mboka hiyo siku.” One day though, one day.

It’s now around 1:00 am. I thought this dude would just be here for some time then leave but he’s got a lot to say. I’m not saying he is boring, no, he got the best stories and experiences. He was once raided by police while at a camp in Garissa mistaken to be one of our brothers, those misled characters something about seventy-two virgins. I decide what the hell, natoa lighter kwanza. I still don’t know this Nigga so this can go either way. In my mind I’m thinking “akiona lighter labda atapata hint” he doesn’t, he thinks it’s a tool for camping. Hii ndo shida ya kwenda na maskao, these humans were made to survive anywhere, no wonder I’m one them. In the middle of the conversation, I ask,

“Unachomanga?”

He laughs a little bit and starts telling tales he has heard about the followers of this gospel. They are all fiction stories but funny, making me laugh loudly. “Wewe utafanya tukujiwe na hippo” he warns me. “Iruri hizo ni zile story za Jaba, sasa Wacha nikushow” I say this and pull her out in her glory, making Iruri involuntary scream a little. “Waa hii ata ni ile… inaitwa? Sha… sha…something” I now get paranoid and put her back in my pocket protecting her from this virgin. “Mimi apana, tuko na wife. Atajua. Plus sijawai” he says. Is it amazing? Like this is just unbelievable! For Iruri, he only fears his wife finding out yes, he can do all that Lakini akishikwa? So, for his safety and mine, because I don’t know what this wife is capable of, there’s no need of risking.

“Sawa, sawa ili ata usianze hapa drama, do you mind?” I ask while attempting to blaze her up. He gives me the go ahead and immediately light her up blowing up smoke towards the sky. I need to hire someone as my photographer. Such memories should be recorded. I’m a nerd, I know!

It’s getting colder as time goes by. With the lake just a few meters away, this is somehow making the place cold. I didn’t understand what Iruri said. We are silent for some time, creating some kind of tension. “Mbona umeshtuka?” I ask. As every “novis” would ask, “sasa unafeel aje” I ignore his question and introduce another topic on scouting, to which he reluctantly replies. Minutes later, he is carried away and fully adapting to the presence of the new member in our conversation. We are talking about what needs to be improved in his crew for them to achieve more. He is telling me about his plans and what we’ll do to execute them. I’m giving tips and more ways you know, being helpful plus sai niko focused vizuri, I got all the ideas in me, natoa point after point. In the process of him explaining, he says,

“Nipatie. Kwani iko nini?”

Silence.

At first, I thought it was something about his project. I’m sited looking at him so confused.

“Ati?” I ask.

He takes all the corners and bushes trying to explain what he meant, so innocent. Dear Lord forgive me, I didn’t know I’d meet him at Lude’s house, I shouldn’t have introduced him to Lude. I think hapo ndo alipotelea. Anyway, mtoto akililia wembe? The moment I understand what he means, I pass it to him. He holds her in some type of way that I have to explain how it’s done.

“Pole pole then hold it in as much as you can”

I’m a natural at teaching, all my students understand and take initiative, huyu ni Iruri ako huku na mimi, I need an award for this. First puff. Exhales. Repeats. Coughs his lungs out for the next five minutes. You had to be there to see this, him now on the ground holding the vehicle coughing while moving his body making all kind of witch-crafty gestures.

“Unataka kuniua banah?” he asks this amidst coughing. The moment he relaxes he takes another puff. Men never learn, no wonder we’re out here chasing people who want nothing to do with us. Nimegusa mahali, I’m sorry. “Sifeel anything” he declares a few puffs later. I can’t help it so I laugh and ladies and gentlemen a few minutes later, my man found everything funny. The mess is already done, so what the hell. I fetch out another one and hands him over to light it. If we’re introducing him to this side of the valley, we better seal the covenant with something tangible. An hour later his phone rings reminding him he’s got a wife. Panic mode activated. “Waa! Na akijua? Ghai nitasema? Nakaa zimeshika?” his asking all these questions while trying to groom himself. We’re both standing, me straightening his shirt assuring him he is okay. We part ways him going to face the music and as for me, this time round I’m not alone, si niliweza kucheza kimimi ata mimi nalala kama wanaume wengine, only better in the jungle!

I don’t know what Iruri did that night, but I heard the voices, so I might have an idea but the next day, they came to find him and his wife, scaring the hell out of me. “Ghai sasa nili do? Na kama ni karao?” You never know who’s out there, anything can happen to an innocent person like me. I’m watching them walk towards me, sited outside my tent enjoying the 9:00 am sunlight. At one point I think of running, where though. I’m officially introduced to her and the first question she asks,“uko na ingine?” confusion galore. She notices unlike her husband she goes straight to the point, “nasema ssssh, ssssh” I think this is the weirdest couple I have met. We walk towards “our spot” ju ya land rover ya wenyewe, light one up, tuanze siku on a high note.

“Ata ni wife amenituma niende na moja” Iruri finally answers my question on how he ended up in Lude’s house.

Anyway, Congratulations. Somehow, they believed your article was better than mine ama ni connection?” I finally admit.

#TembeaNami